It had been raining for more than a week.
It rained so much that it made everyday seemed so restless and gloomy. She called and said she was coming up.
It was the third time she came up to see me that week. I carried her excuse of why she came all the way here and went to meet her at the nearby seven-eleven.
She was standing there alone, carrying her red umbrella. Her friend had dropped her off. It was raining and she was shivering. She looked weak and fragile in the harsh rain, wearing not enough to keep her warm.
I walked up to her and said, "You shouldn't come see me anymore," and stuff like how we shouldn't be together.
She said, "I miss you."
I told her coldly, "Lets go, I'll take you home."
She did not open up her umbrella. I knew she wanted to share mine.
I said, "Open up your umbrella, let's go."
Unwillingly, she opened up her umbrella and walked with me to the car. She said she had not eaten lunch or dinner and asked if we could stop at some place to eat.
Right away I answered with a stoned heart, "No!"
Disappointed, she asked me to take her to the train station, and she said she would take the train back home.
Maybe it was the rain. All the trains were full of people with umbrellas and suit cases who were eager to get home, not caring about who just passed by. We waited and waited.
She looked at me innocently. Being together for so long, of course I knew what she meant. I could understand how she must be feeling when she came all this way here in this kind of weather and yet I treat her in this unfeeling manner.
With her soft eyes staring at me, the guilt that had overcomed me wanted to let her stay for the night.
But reality struck again, and I said to her coldly, "Let's go try the other train station."
Back then, we were living in the same apartment building on the same floor. There were four of us, and we got along well. We would always eat dinner together, watch movies, and sometimes go camping.
We were more like a family, and I did not know I would end up falling in love with the only girl of us four. Maybe it was during the last year of college and having lived together for two years, because we slowly developed deep feelings for each other.
After she graduated, she went back home, and I stayed for one more year to finish school. During that year I was only able to take the train down to see her during the holidays, but never for long.
That was how we kept the treasured relationship.
We were walking along the side of the road. She was in front of me and I was right behind her. Her umbrella had a broken spoke. She looked liked a wounded soldier, carrying her rusted rifle, walking weakly.
En route, she was too lost in her own thoughts that she often strayed off the road, nearly losing her life to the fast cars driving by on several occasions.
I wanted so much to just take her in my arms; but with the love I had for her and the constant pain in my stomach reminding me so, I did nothing.
On the way, we passed by the park where we used to frequent.
She begged and said, "Lets go in the park just for a little while, please. I promise I'll go home right after this."
With her begging, my cold heart softened; but I still put up an annoyed face and walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave, as she went to the big oak tree and she started looking for something.
I knew instantly she was looking for. She was looking for what we had wrote on that tree with a silver marker, just half a year ago.
If I remember it right, it said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always loving each other, forever."
She was looking around for quite a while, and then came back slowly, tears streaking down her face.
She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."
I felt so sour inside. There was a stream of pain flowing right into my heart, the kind of excruciating pain that I have never felt in my entire life before.
But all I could do was pretend that I did not care, and said, "Can we go now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella. She was just standing there, reluctant to leave, hoping that there was still a chance.
She said, "You made up the story of you and that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change. Can't we start over?"
I did not say a word, just looked down, and shook my head.
After that we just kept on walking towards the train station, neither of us speaking.
Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer. As it was found early, it was still curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even forgot about the cancer.
I did not think about the cancer again and did not go back to the doctor until a month ago, when my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, did the nightmare awakened me again.
First I thought the pain would go away, but it intensified rapidly to the point where I could not take it any longer. I went back to the doctor and took an X-ray. The scan showed that there was a big black spot, which proved the truth that I did not want to believe.
I was at the most glittering part of my life, but it was coming to an end.
I wanted myself and the people around me to go through the least pain possible, so I made a decision to take my own life.
But I could not let anyone find out about my intention, especially Susan. Susan, the person I love most in this whole world, who still does not know the truth about my condition, and that I would be leaving her soon.
I did not have much time, because I would soon start to lose hair and she would find out eventually. Susan was still young, she should not have to go through all the pain.
So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart; but i believed it to be the fastest way to wipe out three years of feelings.
Now that my plan was close to succeeding, this drama would soon be over. Thirty minutes more and this would all come to an end; that was what I had in mind.
The train had stopped running, so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing there, waiting, losing our last moments in silence.
I saw the taxi from far away, held my tears and said to her, "Take care of yourself, take good care of yourself."
She did not speak, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and stepped out on the street.
Out in the rain, we became two single life forms. One red, one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in, then I closed the gate that would separate me from her forever.
I stood by the car, staring in the dark window. I stared blankly at the first and also last love of my life, walking out of it forever.
The car started, driving into the street.
As I watched the vehicle grew smaller, I could hold the sorrow and twist in my heart no longer, and started waving my arms around frantically while chasing after the taxi; because I knew that this would be the last time where I would get to see her.
I wanted to tell her I still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay; I wanted to tell her so much, but the taxi soon disappeared into a corner.
Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended with the cold rain drops. I was cold, but not because of the rain.
I was cold inside.
She left, and I did not get any more of her phone calls even until today. I know she did not see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without regrets.
But I am not Chris. I am that girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I found after one year since he left, writing down these last words.
